Frontier Gibberish - June 14th, 2006

After some more fighting, the action shifts to the roof of the castle, where Juggernaut's team is surrounded by the X-Men. Suddenly, a large purple man with a Mohawk called "Goliath" (and who bears a strange resemblance to Captain Planet) appears. After demanding oral sex from Ketchup, he threatens the Bitch and then insults the Juggernaut. The Juggernaut attempts to attack Goliath because of the insult, but finds he is too weak to successfully mount an assault. Goliath hurls him from the castle roof, and the movie ends with the voice of the Juggernaut calling out in disbelief: "But I'm the Juggernaut Biiiiiitch!", and Jubilee noting that she wants to "get fucked."

Yes, somebody outlined the plot of the online "Juggernaut, Bitch!!" short film.

At his graduation party (which otherwise went exceedingly well) my mom informed me that an extremely attractive and smart (she recieved many, many scholarships) girl asked my brother to prom, but he said no. Did he have other plans? No. He stayed home and played videogames. I know. I was visiting my parents that night.

This angers me a lot. My brother is, by all conventional definition of the word, "hot". I heard girls talking about him all the time in high school. Yet he has never been on a date. He's never once even discussed having a girlfriend. He sits in his room and reads anime and plays video games. He only seems to relate to my young, five year old cousins. I am extremely, extremely worried about him. He's going to college next year, and he will either:

1. grow out of it and start being an adult, or:

2. regress even further, gain 200 pounds, grow a scraggly beard, and talk about Joss Whedon all the time

I'm not good looking at all and never have been so it infuriates me that he's wasting his God-given attributes by doing what, by all accounts, somebody who looks like me should be doing (but I don't; I hate anime, I hate comic books, and I could give a shit about Joss Whedon or Star Wars or Star Trek or all of that other arrested-development geek bullshit. I mean, it's so artistically worthless I can barely stand it).

I want to give him advice or help, but all I could think of upon hearing that he turned a girl down was to punch him in the face repeatedly until he wised up. I would have killed to have attractive girls asking me out in high school. Plus, how mean is that? To turn down a nice girl? What the hell, Ben?

Frankly, if my brother is going to act like that, she could probably do a lot better anyway.